well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize