there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
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EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
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Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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