Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize