His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I want to be your penis for a week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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