You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
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