Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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