So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
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Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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