I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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