All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
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Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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