the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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