Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
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Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
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omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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