woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
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I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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