I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
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