You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
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I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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