Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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