Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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