I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
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Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
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I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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