I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
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I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
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Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
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