it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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