I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
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You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
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Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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