i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
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I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
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I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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