she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
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the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
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I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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