I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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