I am spending my child support on dildos
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
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He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
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It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
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