Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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