her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
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you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
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Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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