My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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