so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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