It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
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PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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