sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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