He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
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Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
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she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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