You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
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"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
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This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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