I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
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I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
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I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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