My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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