Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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