I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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