I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
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Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
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Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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