Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
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Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
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I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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