I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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