just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
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Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
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You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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