I met the friendliest cop last night
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
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in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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