I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
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Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
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I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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