dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
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I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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