dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
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She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
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The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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