M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
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The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
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Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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