My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
you didnt know i had herpes?
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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