My room smells like vodka and shame
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
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My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
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What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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