just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize