K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
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he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
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The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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