I can't watch pbs sober anymore
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
he puts the penis in happiness.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
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Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
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You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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